The Mommy of My Dreams

I think the hardest part of this whole experience is not being able to be the kind of mom I'd like to be. It is my testimony that I have been called by a loving Heavenly Father to be a Mom to this little girl we call Muffin. I have been trusted to raise her, and help this beautiful soul blossom into the person she is meant to be. The only thing is my plan for this whole mothering thing was the polar opposite of what The Lord had planned for our lives. So, I decided a while ago to start writing Muffin a letter every Sunday. So when she is older, she can read these letters from her mom, and know how much I love her. I have decided to share one of these letters on this blog to inspire other Moms out there with RA or even those who don't, to write in a journal or just write. It has been such a great outlet for me to express my feelings. So with that being said, here is my letter:

My Dearest "Muffin",
  This morning you came in our room and yelled,"SNUGGLE!", then crawled into my fluffy white comforter with me. You snuggled right up to me so close I was startled when I felt your ice cold feet on my leg. These are the times I cherish. I file these memories under "THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MOTHERHOOD" in my mind. You are so sweet and pure, especially first thing in the morning when you are freshly rested and happy. It was church day today. So after we snuggled I got you ready for church. You wore your new pink dress with daisy flowers all over it. I looked at you all dressed up and thought... She is perfect... To myself as you showed me you could twirl. I love seeing you so carefree and full of life. As you know I have been pretty sick lately. As I lie in bed I feel much like a spectator in my own life. Little moments like this morning watching you twirl are like little pieces of heaven for me. It was like time slowed down in that very moment, and everything was slow motion. I drank in every detail. How you spin on your tippie toe, how your new pink dress ruffled and flew up, and the sun caught your blonde hair and seemed to dance on every strand making it sparkle and shine. Those are the moments that keep me strong. My love for you is what keeps me fighting and happy to do so. So thank you sweet muffin. You are the reason I get up in the morning.

Love Forever and Ever,
Momma

Ps-
Here is a little poem I wrote for you today:


The Mommy of MY Dreams

Oh little precious child of mine
Can you ever know my love for you?
To give you everything your little heart wishes,
Oh the things that I would do.

Will you ever know how my heart breaks
when  you ask me to dance or play.
I cry inside and beg Father in Heaven
To give me more strength today.

In my dreams I can run, and jump and play
Even go down some slides
I can hug you real tight when we say goodnight
And give endless piggy back rides.

I hope you can see this disease is not me
I'm going to fight this each day
The mommy of MY dreams...someday I'll be
And that's how Im going to stay

Doctor Visit Update

This last week I was able to go see the Orthopedic Surgeon. It was a pretty eye opening situation to say the least. On the way to the appointment I couldn't help but think of everything it took to get to this point. My husband did a lot of the work for me when it came to getting me some insurance. I was thinking of all the trips to the Social Security office he made. A lot of those trips were at the butt crack of dawn too so he could ensure a good spot in line. There were endless phone calls, research, and talking to people who could give us any ounce of insight into this Disability world. He worked so  so hard. There were prayers said on our behalf, there was a lot of crying on my part, and begging my Heavenly Father for the chance to see a doctor. So after all of that... FINALLY going was a little surreal.
The butterfly's in my stomach decided to show up as we pulled into the Docs parking lot. "This is it!" I said, as I sat in my wheelchair. We went in, and we were blown away at this place. The office was super fancy, and seemed to run efficiently. After signing in, we were promptly called back. The nurse took my blood pressure then after a brief look at my x-rays told us I needed new ones. So I was wheeled back to get some new pics of these bad knees. The lady who took them was super nice, and let Jason come back to help me get into the right positions needed for the x-rays. It hurt a bit, but it wasn't near as bad as the other place that I went to last time. This office seemed to have better equipment, and much more room which makes it a lot easier on patients. Following the x-rays I was wheeled back into the exam room. Jason and I were surprised when the nurse was able to pull the x-rays right up on the computer. It was so obvious that my knees were bad. The x-rays were showing some bone on bone action.
After waiting for what seemed like forever, the Doctor came in. He looked at the x-rays, and make a disapproving sigh and began telling us his thoughts. He said that he could clearly see RA in both my knees. He said that there wasn't much he could do to help me though since I was still to young to have knee replacements done. He explained 4 different surgeries that could be done, but he doesn't recommend doing them because I was too young and would need another replacement too early in my life. So he was basically saying he'd be subjecting me to a lot of pain later in life to save my knees now, and he didn't see how that would be beneficial to my health.
So that was basically what he was saying. I'm not sure though that I totally agree there isn't anything he could do to help me. I mean what am I supposed to do for the next ten years? Lay here? So, Im sure he is a good doctor, but I think I will be getting a second opinion. I want to LIVE my LIFE, and what ever I need to do to get walking, Im going to do. Back to researching Doctors!