Breaking Down

Last night after J and Muffin went to sleep, I was up watching TV waiting for my pain to stop so I could sleep too. As the commercials came on I started thinking about all the things that were going on in my life. I've been kind of emotional lately because I have applied for Disability. We should be getting an answer as to whether or not I am approved within the next month or so. I am so so nervous. I desperately need this disability. I need two knee surgeries, and further medical treatments that I can not afford on my own. It's hard to be stuck in bed knowing that I might get denied the coverage I desperately need while my neighbor across the street is on disability and clearly doesn't need it. He's always out in his yard moving things around and doing hard core physical labor outside. Makes me wonder why he was approved. I know I shouldn't judge. A lot of times I was sick and used to look normal and be able to hide my condition, but not anymore. This week I have to get blood work done and go see a doctor that examines me on behalf of Social Security Disability and I guess they are supposed to be able to determine whether or not I am disabled. It's strange to me. It's hard for me to put my health in the hands of people I don't even know. A perfect stranger will decide what I need and what I don't need. It doesn't seem fair. Although, one look at me and you can see I am in terrible pain. It's hard for me to trust they will make the right decision. I wonder if they really even care, or am I just another name on another paper?

On top of all the Disability anxiety, I am in the middle of an out of control flair. Every single joint in my body ( and I am not exaggerating) is swollen and keeping me from bending anything. I am moving like a robot, every move is thought out and planned before hand. My wrists and fingers look deformed.

So, there I was lying in bed pretty much at my wits end... And then... An Enbrel commercial came on... my biggest pet peeve. And I just started crying. For those of you who don't know, I HATE those commercials. I take Enbrel, and it somewhat works. I have to admit it has relieved some of my RA symptoms, but the commercials make RA seem like a cake walk. They start out with a lady with a pained look on her face rubbing her hands and wrists... Then shows Enbrel and tells what it can do then it cuts to the same lady on a freaking elliptical machine bookin it and sweating while she is smiling... Like Embrel cured her RA. I mean, I only know my own experience with RA. So, I can't really speak for everyone else. But in my opinion RA medication commercials should go something like this:

First it should show a woman asking for her husbands help to get off the toilet because she has a flair in every joint in her legs and feet, and can't lift herself up. Then it should show her crying REAL TEARS as he walks her back to bed. Then it should show Enbrel and tell what it can do... Then it should show the same lady watching her husband put higher toilet seat extension on the toilet so she can use the restroom by herself... And that's it.

I am not saying that people who have RA can't do hard things if you work at it, but some of those commercials make it seem so easy. When I am on Enbrel it helps control my inflammation and my pain, but I still feel impaired. And I notice that I still can not do a lot of things normal people can do.

Another commercial that bugs me is the golfing one. Where the guy says he can go golfing like a pro now that he takes Enbrel. If I went golfing, I can guarantee that the club would probably go farther than the golf ball because I wouldn't be able to grip the club hard enough to keep it from falling out of my hand. Anyway, lately I have been letting things like this get on my nerves because I am really stressed out. Guess I need to add another pill to the mix... A chill pill!